I realized something whilst lounging on the shores of Canyon Ferry, sipping BL, reading wedding magazines, and yelling at dogs -I am about to commit myself to ONE PERSON for the rest of my life! Woah - it was the first time I had thought about that in a LONG time! I am about to take the biggest step of my entire life and I am completely preoccupied with fake eyelashes, wedding CDs and my $#@*! veil. I may be the most ridiculous person on the planet - OR AM I? I have recently developed a lot of conspiracy theories about the wedding industry, I have all kinds of weird conspiracy theories about everything, but recently, I have formulated some wedding specific ones. Today I share.
WEDDING CONSPIRACY: The media is the USA brainwashing outlet for conservative, religious right wing republicans. These conservative right wing republicans, such as Sen. Rick Sant0rum (WARNING - the link may be inappropriate for children) is the perfect example of the assholes who want to pass laws to encourage the family unit defined as one man, one woman and kids because as he puts it, kids are best raised by a mom and a dad who are married. The best family is the natural family and that is the building blocks of society, that building block is held together by marriage between an man and a woman, blah, blah, blah - PUKE. He feels so strongly about this he wrote himself a book. Sen. Santorum and pals believe so strongly in the natural family/institution of marriage that they are trying everything in their power to promote this ideal through legislation and through their media mind fuck. Yes, it goes beyond Fox News.
Magazines - the classic example of how to use media to keep us skinny, and wasting our money on hope in a jar. They make us feel like shit for being who we are - zitty, fat, flabby, messy, bad hair, wrong jeans wearing, free thinking women. We always need something better so that we can nab the perfect husband, have babies and be happy for the rest of our lives. What better way to promote the "natural family" than to get us women obsessed with the perfect wedding so that we completely forget about the fact that we are about to commit our life to one man. It even starts before you pick up your copy of M0dern Bride - Cosmo is always providing helpful tips to help women bag the right guy, tell if your guy is true, or if he is marriage material. "Hurry up and get married, who cares who he is, just fit in, oh and buy some special cellulite cream!"
STOP SHOVING US TOWARD STEPFORD! Stop telling us that we need to get married, stop forcing the perfect wedding down our throat, stop making single moms feel bad because they are not as good of parents as their married counterparts and STOP making us feel like sluts because we are having pre-marital sex.
My wedding is not going to look like any magazine photo - why, because we are actually going to have fun. We are going to get rip roaring drunk and party till dawn. There will be fat people there using the wrong skin cream and maybe even raising their kids by themselves, and they will have fun regardless. Man, that is going to be one hell of a party. Oh and there won't be retarded wedding favors there such as the mini cheese grater and there won't be place cards, or a theme. Our favors will be beer coozies, people will sit where they want and earth will continue to spin.
I knew that I wanted to marry this man from the time we started dating. Not because I felt some giant need to form the bricks that hold society together or any of that nonsense, but because I knew that he was the perfect person for me. Even if we didn't have a wedding, we would be married, I think we have always been married.
Click if you would like to watch a TV interview with Sen. Rick Santorum. Oh my god, Jon Stewart is a god damned genius!
2 comments:
Auto - I did the flowers for a wedding this weekend for 2 25-yr old evangelical christians who waited until their wedding night to have sex. His father performed the ceremony. It was one of the WORST weddings I've been to - and I've been to a lot. The minister stumbled over his words - which were the oh so typical "Jesus took the church as a bride and served it and in the same way, you take your bride to serve her..." The B & G hardly spoke - except to repeat their vows which were verbatim the traditional I, blank, take you, blank, to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold...blah boring! No personality whatsoever! It was the first wedding that hasn't left me crying. You go have fun and shine and sparkle and be yourselves because that's what your guests want to see - YOU - not he minister, godamnit - having a great time with your best friend.
HEy there girly - did you get the eyelash extensions? I have to admit - I am not getting married and I am thouroughly enchanted witht the idea of semi-permanent eyelash extensions!
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