Today

Today is my job interview. Think of me around 2:15 PM MST. I am freaking out. Apparently there is a written section. Great. I am SO scared that they are going to ask me a question I don't know the answer to. Like "What is the Latin name of this grass?" My mom suggested that when faced with that situation, I should reply, "I feel that this question can best be answered in song." I will sing "Eye of the Tiger." Or, break down in tears and ask them why they need to bring back all of these painful memories.

I normally am pretty cool, confident and funny at job interviews. That is because I just don't care if I get them or not. In this case, I care. I really really really care. I want this new job bad, I need to get out of the den of bitterness. The other reason I am freaking out is because this job is going to be hard. I will have so much to learn, hard science type stuff. Oh, I wish I would have paid better attention in college - damn cute boys always sitting by me in class. . . shit.

Like my counselor says (yes, I started seeing a counselor because of all of the job related misery I currently have) "Imagine yourself in the new job. Think positive. Use your center to generate a giant force field of positivity. . ." She is kind of a hippy, but I like talking to her, plus she has really good tea. I am going to stick with her through the winter, for sure.

I have developed two scenarios for me to focus on.
1. I get the job. Mind is blown. Bask in glory. Plan an parade dedicated to my awesomeness. Quit here without regrets. Think occasionally about how the den of bitterness is just a little more bitter because I moved up a job grade (increase in salary). They hate it when people make more money than them. Sigh. Laugh. Feel a warmness generating from my heart. Smile at my new co-workers.

2. I don't get the job. Mind is blown. Bask in misery. Go on a bender. Take it out on co-workers with scowls and bitchy remarks. Seek more counseling. Perfect my mind version of Tetris.

I honestly thought that this job was going to be awesome when I took it just a little over a year ago. God, was I wrong. I think that it could be, I mean the work we do is amazing. What is wrong, I just can't quite put my finger on it? Oh, wait, bitterness, sloth, backstabbing, paranoia. I thought I could rise above, but I can't. It has sucked me in fully. I am not the strong person I thought I was.

So, here is the game plan today. Leave here at noon, exercise, shower, make hair pretty, but not too pretty (we are science types here), pet dogs, walk to the job interview and let the overly confident, devil may care version of myself take over (she is like a robot, it is like watching myself on TV). Then after the interview is over, let the weak, snivley version of myself doubt every answer. Make Hubby tell me 1 million times that he loves me, that I am pretty, etc.

Wish me luck. Pray.